unfinished project #87: commerical pitches

A few years ago, some friends entered the Moc Docs contest. None of our entries made it far, but it was a learning experience in that it was the first time I ever finished a script. While that project was brewing (here's my contribution), I tried to write other, unrelated ideas in case we ever got a film collective rolling. One I fooled around with for awhile used an ad agency meeting as a framework for short, satirical commercial parodies. What follows is all I ever wrote down, last updated in March 2004. I would have written this during down town at the office, or while my brain needed a rest from other activities. Some of the jokes remain relevant, others are dated. Other than spelling and quickly designing a graphic this evening, I haven't whipped this into better shape.

All I hope is that nobody south of the border takes this segment seriously...

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(An advertising agency meeting room, with several employees and executives sitting around. Pitches for new advertisements are being discussed)

AD PERSON:
We had an evangelical group from the United States come to us requiring an ad campaign for a new line of children's clothing and retail stores they hope to launch. Something about indoctrinating the young, I think. They flipped when creative came up with this ad.

(Switch to video display. An idyllic farmer's field on the edge of a small town, followed by scenes such as children in school, praying in church, etc. Announcer with soothing, folksy voice)

ANNOUNCER:
It's the heartland that shapes our values. Honesty, faith and patriotism. Fighting for what's right for America. It's never too early to instill these values in our children, wherever they live.

(shots of various children around a playground, nursery school, etc. At least one of the children should talk in the manner of Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons)

CHILD #1:
I like Freedom Fries.

CHILD #2:
(a long-winded ramble about abortion, prayer in schools or something along those lines)

CHILD #3:
Women belong in the kitchen, making cookies for me.

CHILD #4:
My two daddies should not get married. God says so.

CHILD #5:
My friends are a coalition of the willing.

ANNOUNCER:
The next generation of young Americans, learning the values that made this nation great. Shouldn't your children wear the land of the free and the home of the brave on their sleeves?

Introducing Bushbabies, clothing that fits your child and their country. Child-friendly red, white and blue clothing at wallet-friendly prices. Made only by workers in countries who, just like your children, are discovering the freedom of democracy (show a group of ragged-looking sweatshop workers, smiling insanely).



ANNOUNCER:
Bushbabies...coming soon to your town.

(small print on screen: Bushbabies clothing will cost extra for atheists, pro-abortionists, environmentalists, liberals, homosexuals, Muslims, non-American citizens and Red Sox fans. Proof of identity required at store.)

AD PERSON:
Well?

EXECUTIVE:
Couldn't you have found more convincng child actors?

AD PERSON:
They insisted their grandkids be used.

That's all I wrote, folks! - JB