JB's Warehouse & Curio Emporium

Got an email from a friend about ther meaning of Xmas song lyrics, specifically I'll Be Home For Christmas . Not a subject I've ever thought long and hard about - I can never quite get into the Xmas music mood, with odd, usually jazzy exceptions. Still, it got me thinking about other tunes we're all subjected to over the holidays... The one that always bugged me was the full version of We Wish You A Merry Christmas . Most people stick to the first verse, a simple greeting wishing everyone well. So far, no problems. Verse two suggests your guests have ulterior motives in coming over to greet you. No poignant words about brotherhood and peace on earth, no religious or secular allusions. Nope, it's a flat out demand for figgy pudding. "Bring it right here". You'd think it was trick-or-treaters at the door. By verse three, the once-merry carolers have turned into the Things That Wouldn't Leave! None of the intruders on your premises are willing to le

An update on the Best Price Movers saga. After another break in calls, they've cranked up the phone mail spammer again. Big change - no more pitches from Boris/Janos/Reggie/Tugboat Bill. The past two calls have been a female voice, calling herself Anna on the first, a different name on the second (skipped through it, didn't pay much attention). These calls are done in a normal, non-phony accented voice, and have fewer vocal flubs than her male counterpart. No more "ahhhhs" or "ummmmms". This doesn't change the fact they're still annoying, especially now that they're less amusing. - JB

Met up with the gang for our yearly ritual of watching/mocking the Santa Claus Parade. This year's viewing spot: Bloor and Bathurst. Went down to meet everyone, but didn't immediately see them. After a quick phone call, discovered they were around the corner, on the opposite side of the street. Cue horror movie scene trying to reach them. The crowd was thick, with little room to move. Right at the corner, movement came to a dead stop. I was squished in the crowd, more crowded than I'd ever been. Two people near me almost put up their dukes, because one guy refused to have his view obstructed for five seconds to let somebody through. Nobody got through, as more tried to push their way in both directions. If anybody had fallen, it would have been curtains. It was nearly enough to send me back onto the subway. Somebody finally pushed through and the crawl resume. Finally made it across the street and joined the others. It took awhile for the stress to wear off - when m

It's interesting where offhand remarks will lead you. While driving Nile and Dee home after my last dinner bash, the subject of improving one's wardrobe came up. I guess Nile had been down about career prospects when Dee suggested that he might want to start with his wardrobe. After devouring several style books, he was born again, a man with a mission: to improve others like him. Guess who said they'd offer to be a guinea pig, in light of recent dating blunders... So it was with a mixture of bemusement and fear I hopped in the car with Nile and Dee the other weekend. Understand that I've been a conservative, relaxed dresser most of my life, happy with loose shirts and jeans. Sure, I owned a pink sweater during the height of Miami Vice, flannel during the grunge era, etc, but never dragged them out much. Fear of clothing shrink often led to buying clothes that didn't reduce in size, making me look bloated. We headed out to the scene of his conversion, Orfus

We're back this year with more items available exclusively at JB's Warehouse. Remember - we're there to serve your gift-buying needs! Jones Soda is launching a limited-edition, no carbs/calories pack of the following holiday-themed flavours: * Cranberry * Fruitcake * Turkey and Gravy * Mashed Potato and Butter * Green Bean Cassarole Mmmmm, artificial green bean cassarole flavour... Undaunted, the folks in product research here at the Warehouse have come up with their own unique spin on carbonated beverages. Introducing JB's Own Handcrafted Fast Food Sodas ! * Cheeseburger * Chicken Wing - available in mild, honey garlic and Buffalo varieties * Nachos with Cheese * Poutine * Veggie Dog - for the vegan/vegetarian crowd Our researchers have also come up with these exotic JB's Handcrafted flavours: * Mucus - when you want a taste of cold/flu season without the distraction of falling ill! * Candy Heart - complete with floating messages, just like

For awhile, it's been in the back of my mind to take the digital beast out on the town to snap shots of all of the former Coffee Time locations that haven't done much to mask their former identity. Coffee Lime, Coffee Tim, Coffee Tip...the city's full of them, ripe with humourous possibilities. Alas, I've been beaten to the punch. Here's the result , now merged into the Not Fooling Anybody site of buildings with thinly-concealed former lives a(mostly as fast-food outlets). There are a few spots on the site from Toronto and Detroit I'm familiar with - here's some comments (go to the index page to find them): La-Shish (Wayne, MI - formerly Taco Bell) - never been to this branch of the popular Metro Detroit middle-eastern family restaurant chain, but it would be an improvement over a run for the border. Amy and I usually go to the location on the Dearborn/Detroit border along Michigan Ave, where fresh smoothies and monster salads make our stomachs ha

I was flipping through the business section of the Star a few weeks ago when I came across a story about the Indigo bookstore chain shifting its focus more into gifts, "healing" items and other oddball accessories, reducing the number of books to about 60% of a store's inventory. Plans were also mentioned for converting the remaining Coles bookstores into the "IndigoLite" chain, with a greater emphasis on accessories. All this in a quest to make the company the "book lover's cultural department store". I wanted to throw up. While I admit I spend many lunch hours in the Indigo a block from the office, I can't say I'm in love with the place. It's been easy to see the number of books decline, as more of the first floor is taken up with items like expensive marinades/drink mixes and new age products. This is more pronounced at the chain's downtown locations, where floors that used to hold tomes now feature more and more of the ot

Back in early August, I spent a week at the family compound sifting through the tons of old sports mags kicking around. It has taken awhile to go through them, but the light is at the end of the tunnel. There's only a couple of boxes to go through before they have all been prepared for eBay or hacked up for clipart. For a few years in the mid-late 80s, little sports junkie Jamie subscribed to Baseball Digest and Hockey Digest . These mags were as old as the hills - my father had a couple of crumbling issues from the 50s kicking around. Not deep, analytical reading, but enough to kill off the afternoon they arrived in the mail. Even then, I sensed these digests were in a time warp. The ads were the giveaway - into the early 90s, you could still order Fleetwood 7" records of late 60s sports highlights, posters of NHL stars circa 1973 and hats with slots to display your favourite player's sports card. The NHL poster offer was especially funny, given that no team posters

They keep trying...and it's getting more pathetic. Got my first phone message from Athletic/Best Price movers in awhile, featuring the debut (on my phone) of Johnny, which is the same dude either (a) holding his nose as he speaks or (b) attempting the world's worst W.C. Fields imitation. If you get this message, you be the judge. Some suggestions for next time, Boris/Johnny/Reggie/Tugboat Bill/whatever your real name is: 1) Carmine, who attempts to pitch the moving company as if he failed the audition for Taxi Driver or any other Scorsese picture. 2) Joost, using a dutch or swedish accent, the type last used by Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places . 3) Fritz, with even less plausibility as a German than Kevin McDonald's accent teacher on Kids In The Hall . 4) Roxy, attempting to sell moving services like Al Jolson, but stumbling in his attempts to sing. 5) Shecky, attempting to sound like Shrek, hoping somebody's confused (unlikely, given those unexplained lapses

I'm finally starting a long overdue task around here - sorting through my cassette collection to see what stays, what goes. While going through the first rack, found a tape of the "house band" in my residence during my third year of university, BMX. They were essentially a joke band, but managed to play a few fun gigs before petering out. Consider this a lost chunk of the rich musical history of Guelph in the past two decades. The core members of the group were Beastmaster X (vocals), DJ JD Masta Snack Cracka (guitar), Doctor Renfrew Boney Row-Row (bass), Punk Bitch (cello, vocals), Gary (drums) and Bonhomme Carnival (interpretive dancing). Slam dancers were often on hand to liven the crowd up. Their repertoire was mostly covers, such as the two songs featured today (in their original forms - the only BMX material I have is on tape, and let's just say CRMW central doesn't have the transfer technology yet). Beastmaster X belted out the Martian tune, while

Another year, another PPP-organized campening (not camping - that would imply we're hard-core campers) trip down to Guelph Lake. It was the fifth one for the girls, and my second. You can look back on my maiden voyage here. The trip began by loading Dee and Tipper's stuff into the car. Tipper's a dog, the first time I'd ever carted one in the car, and she was well-behaved on the trip down to Guelph, with free reign over the backseat. We arrived at the campsite at sunset, leaving us to set up the tent in the dark (seeing how compact they are these days, I should pick one up next time CT has an employee sale). I took a notebook with me and scribbled a few words: 2:50 PM, Saturday, August 21st Rest time here at campsite 608. Tipper's just emerged from a quick dip in the water, in the lagoon next to the site. Dee's gradually turning red, Kiersten's taking a nap, Jeff's reading a book and Ken's flipping through today's Star. We're waiti

After missing a show a few months back, I finally got to see some fellow Arts House alumni in their latest venture, a modern-day take on the classic carnival sideshow. Ringmaster The Great Orbax started the show with a demonstration of how to hammer various lengths of nail up your nose without scraping brain cells, tossing aside cheesy jokes along the way. Down front was a crowd of designated hecklers mocking him at every turn. Also introduced was the old carny staple, the Wild Man of Borneo...er...Barrie in this case (though as far as some city dwellers are concerned, Barrie may as well be Borneo). Only one problem faced Orbax and the Wild Man - the daredevil act of prying open a plastic grocery store BBQ chicken container. It would have been easier to bite the head off a live bird. Pretty Polly wore a china doll mask as she wielded, then lay upon, large knives, withput apparent injury. Psychibilly music from the Matadors followed, providing exercise for my toes. I managed to ge

Last radio show of the summer run, ending on an up note. Only one tech snafu (open a CD player in the middle of a tune), a few requests, and no dopeyness on the drive back. Once again, Friday the 13th proves a good day. Mean Mean Man - Wanda Jackson Opening rave-up tune. Walk On By - Isaac Hayes Cool It - Wayne McGhie & The Sounds of Joy Can You Get To That - Funkadelic Still needed to get myself organized, so I threw on the longest track I had with me. Also noticed I was in manic DJ mode, talking louder, deeper and more "frantic" than usual...and having a ball. Coolest Little Monster - John Zacherle Night Of Fear - The Move Drivin' Nails In My Coffin - Ernest Tubb Yummy Yummy Yummy - Julie London The "Friday the 13th" related set. Attempted Count Floyd imitation after the Julie London track. True, it doesn't have any fear-related elements in the title (the stretch I used to include the Tubb track)...it's scary in a different manner.

Went out for lunch to the new branch of Siddhartha at Yonge & Eglinton, a major improvement over the previous tenant (Bombay Host, which had the blandest Indian spread I've ever tasted). Seated nearby were a couple of yuppie-ish mothers and their bratty kids. You know, the type who smile and think it's cute when their little darlings run amok. They screamed, ran around other tables, etc. At one point, they told a couple of guys who wanted the window seat next to them that the kids (and their strollers, which the kids appeared too large for) needed space. For once I saw a restaurant take action. The mothers had decided to share their buffets with the kids, getting them small plates of rice, which the brats proceeded to toss on the seats and floor. Something happened which caused them to call a waiter over to clean up the mess. Not sure what happened next, other than the manager came out and the mothers weren't happy. "How can you make us pay? They're j

Old White Rose gas station sign at a former fruit stand (Murray's Orchards), east of Harrow, Ontario, Aug 5/04

Not a good outing. Should have stayed in Toronto for Jordo's send-off (which was promising to be a good time, despite the drizzle on the Madison's patio). Frozen Warnings - Nico I should have heeded her warnings. Ramblin' Gamblin' Man - Bob Seger System Farmer John - Tidal Waves Heinz Baked Beans - The Who Mary Ann With The Shaky Hand (excerpt) - The Who Why Am I Treated So Bad - Julie Driscoll, Brian Auger & The Trinity The First Cut Is The Deepest - P.P. Arnold The fun began during Mary Ann With The Shaky Hand , which developed a shaky performance - skip-o-rama. Veered from late 60s Detroit material to late 60s Britain. O Nosso Amor - Antonio Carlos Jobim/Luis Bonfa Life Is A Carnival - The Band Carnaval - Santana Carnival - The Cardigans Carnaval In Rio - Heino Guess the theme here. This set ran smoothly and I thought all was well and good. Starting thinking ahead to a "fistful of 45s" segment. One hitch - discovered I'd forgotten

This week, the Warehouse takes a moment to remember one of the greatest entertainers who ever lived, Mr. Max Monkey. Back in the early 50s, Max charmed audiences around the world with his unique piano jazz stylings. Though he was best known for his boogie woogie tunes, Max was equally adept at mastering the newest sounds of the day. From 1947 to 1961, Max was one of RCA’s best selling artists –who has never seen a copy of 1959’s classic album A Monkey at Carnegie Hall ? The Max Monkey trio (Max on piano, Charlie Chimp on bass and Ollie Orangutan on drums) laboured on through the 1960s, until tragedy struck in 1963 when Charlie was killed in a banana truck mishap. The loss hit Max hard, which exacerbated a growing problem with the bottle. By 1966, Max was reduced to whatever low-paying gig he could find, and spent too much time hanging out with Chet Baker. By 1968, Max had gone through rehab and was ready to take on the world again. Unfortunately, the world wasn’t ready to embrace

Yeah, it's birthday time again, the last of my twenties. For some friends, this is a sign of creeping mortality, or fear days of youthful misadventure are coming to an end. I'm a year older - hoohah. It's not physical or chronological age that matters, it's your outlook on life, a point proven way back in high school. My year wasn't the most exicting lot on the planet, especially those in my morning home room. They may have been 16, but already gave off the impression of being well into middle age - no crazy stunts, conversations revolving around duck hunting similar to old men, etc. Heck, I was pretty comfortable as a couch potato. Ideas I had in high school I'm glad I didn't stick to: That I would never, ever live in Toronto Fear that by choosing an arts-based residence to live in at university, I'd be stuck with a pile of pretentious creeps The whole "too cool to do certain things" mindset most teens fall prey to, however briefly (if

More fun with the BloggerBot. Dancing around fireworks in suburban Guelph on Canada Day, 1997. 

Like show #3, a smooth one, helped by a third CD deck added to the studio. Before going into the playlist, let's take a quick tour of CFRU as it looks in 2004. Here's the main hallway leading to the studios, looking much neater than I remember (the ramp was installed back in the day). What is a campus radio station without a door plastered with promotional stickers? See if you can find your favourite band in this picture. One wing of the CD library, which appears to be in good shape these days. The record library is an environmental disaster, with platters scattered everywhere. There are still traces of the time I attempted a grand reorganization of it years ago - there are still stickers with my handwriting on the shelves. Finally, the on-air studio, where the magic world of radio comes to life. You could accurately film a period piece in here, which is part of its charm (though you'd have to move the old cart machines back in - those were being used into

I slept better than usual last night. The Tories didn't win. The NDP got a balance-of-power position. It'll be fun to read right-wing pundits in the next few days, as they try to figure out what went wrong with their dreams of a Canada with Stephen Harper at the driver's seat. Look forward to articles harping on the "cowardice" of Canadian voters to make a significant change, their failure to entirely turf the bums out. Maybe I should pick up a copy of the Post or Sun today, for a laugh... OK, picked up the other papers. Here's the headlines in case you missed them: Globe and Mail: ONTARIO RESCUES MARTIN Toronto Star: MARTIN: WE GOT YOUR MESSAGE National Post: LIBERAL MINORITY Toronto Sun: There are plenty of...RED FACES! The latter was especially sour in its mood, finding fault with voters who seemed crazy voting for a "tax-and-spend" government, disparaging voters for getting "the government they deserve". Howlers from th

The most relaxed show so far in this summer run - the old CD decks have been moved back into the on-air studio while the new ones are being rejigged (the buttons are too darn sticky). No technical snafus. I've got my groove back. Strict Time - Elvis Costello Opening song, figured it was a good, bouncy tune to get things rolling... Go Go Trudeau - Les Sinners Vote For Me - The Move The Amendment Song - Jack Sheldon Promises Promises - Dionne Warwick Quimby Campaign Ad - The Simpsons Election Special - Monty Python Richard Nixon - Rod & The MSR Singers Dief Will Be The Chief Again - Stringband An election-inspired set, which would have included two more songs if (a) I had spent time at home digging for a tape (Political Science by Randy Newman) and (b) discovered the station had the album on CD, but only the case (Political by Spirit of the West). Could have used more Simpsons. The Python skit is too close to what coverage will be like Monday night - I wonder wha

The Drive Down No problems on the way. I was surprised that I stuck to 401 most of the trip, except for a trek down the Thousand Islands Parkway, once destined to be 401 - see here for the story. The too-wide bridges for the bike path give away the location of the old westbound lanes. Headed into Montreal at the start of rush hour, but found a way in that didn't trap me in traffic for eons - Rte 20 through Dorion, then along Cote-de-Liesse, then backstreets to Decarie. Anything to avoid the insanity of everyone merging onto the Trans-Canada. Dropped my stuff off at the U of M, then headed downtown on the subway to spend the rest of the day wandering along Sainte-Catherine. Filled up on Indian food, bought a sweater and didn't see anyone sitting on the sidewalk pelting passers-by with pop cans (narrowly avoided that last time down). One thing I noticed on the subway throughout the trip: if New York is the city where everyone shows their affection by yelling at each

Back to the airwaves... Your Mind and We Belong Together - Love A much smoother ride this time out, as the problems with CD player prompts have been fixed, though the one deck still sticks when attempting to eject a disc. Grabbed the disc on the top of the stack, featuring the A-side of the last single by the original incarnation of Love. There's A Guy Down At The Chip Shop, Swears He's Elvis - Kirsty MacColl Yesterday's Wine - Willie Nelson Docteur Jekyll et Monsieur Hyde - Serge Gainsbourg Summer Sun - Koop featuring Yukimi Nagano Steven Smith - The Organ Sissyneck - Beck The opening set, playing hopscotch with several eras and genres. Kinda like the Organ disc - what is it about acts on the Mint label I'm attracted to? The Koop track is from a compilation thrown together to tie-in with the Pink Panther DVD box set, mostly loungey remixes. WKNR Newscast June 20/66 - George Hunter Remington Razor ad - Frank Zappa Pata Pata - Miriam Makeba Playing a

One of my regular childhood vacation haunts appears to be on its last legs . As mentioned in past entries, my family vacationed in Toledo at least once a year to play around at the Holidome, stock up on glassware at the Libbey factory store and shop at Southwyck Mall. The centre of the mall was a huge sunken pit that Amy and I ran up and down while the parent not watching us went into the Lion department store. We ate kiddie meals at Friendly's or stopped at the only McDonalds mall location I'd ever seen. Samples galore at Hickory Farms, in the days before they set up holiday kiosks everywhere. Stops down the road at Centre supermarket or a meal at Bill Knapp's. Losing a shoe at another Holiday Inn nearby (don't remember, but Mom will never let me forget). Over time, trips to Toledo grew less frequent (replaced by trips to Ann Arbor). I doubt I've been in Southwyck over the past decade, content to read about its decline rather than witness it. One anchor we

After missing it for a couple of years, took advantage of the first non-miserable weekend of the spring to take in the annual Doors Open event. Day 1 -Commerce Court/King Edward Hotel/St. James Church/Canadian Opera Company (Tanenbaum Centre) Started off above King station, at Commerce Court North , once the tallest building in the British Commonwealth and currently home to CIBC private banking services (and a handy ATM). Stayed around for a brief description of the ornate ceiling and expensive floor, then headed to the Crystal Ballroom at the King Edward Hotel, the closest equivalent Toronto has to Detroit-style ruins (not the hotel, just the ballroom). Enough was left that it wasn't difficult to imagine what the room looked like in its heyday. Faded glory Great views of the city from the ballroom, including this one of the next stop - St. James Anglican Church . Slowly circled around the church, staring at the stained glass and pipe organ (pictures taken of both for

It wasn't an auspicious start. Hello There - John Cale Playing the first track on the first of my summer run of radio shows went OK. No vocal fumbling when I switched on the mike. Announced the next track as The Who's I Can't Reach You . Went to start the CD player... No sound. The player decided it didn't like my copy of The Who Sell Out . Panic, as nothing else is going right. See, the station has new CD players, but they're sensitive beasts and not user-friendly in their operation. Next time, I taking a tape of the old TV signoff classic, Syncopated Clock, to play in such a situation. Never Had A Dream Come True - Stevie Wonder Sun Watcher - Albert Ayler My Cherie Amour - Roland Kirk Compared To What - Roberta Flack Grabbed the nearest disc I had, which was Stevie Wonder's Signed, Sealed, Delivered and lauched into a soul/jazz set. One mishap along the way - my Manu Dibango disc refused to play, otherwise Hot Chicken would have followed t

We at the Warehouse regularly check with our competitors to see which innovative, exciting products are being showcased in their stores to gain margin, create excitement and bring customers into their shopping environment (Eds Note: This is the type of retail jargon I have to clean up on a daily basis. Now you know why we're crazy) . We've purchased some of these items, and will present some of interesting finds. There will be parameters. If it's a food product, it must be something we're convinced could be edible. You won't be seeing items like Diet Moxie, any Atkins baked goods, fermented mustard pickles or any pasta made with Papa Smurf's Special Sauce. This week, we visited an Asian grocery store in Scarborough and checked out the wide variety of ramen noodles. The Kashin company has tied their products in with everyone's love for pop music. May we present to you MUSIC UP ! Music Up Pork Ribs Flavour Note emphasis on word "flavour"

As mentioned in previous entries, a group of us entered the Moc Docs contest earlier this year. It was first time I'd ever fully-written a script - any previous attempts to write one never went far (other than a bizarro-world piece written in grade 2, which I'll post when I find it again). Here it is, a mocumentary look at the person who created Hinterland Who's Who...or is about the person filming it? It's not much more than a comedy skit, but it's something. Lots of thanks to the rest of the Robot Dog crew, who pitched in their five cents (especially Stevie D...his script should have received some consideration). Read and laugh or groan... Film begins with familiar strains of Hinterland Who’s Who, opening on a shot of empty parkland or forest, maybe a squirrel or dog running by. Title card - "HINTERLAND WHO’S WHO" A middle-aged man shuffles onto the screen, looking around at nothing in particular, like an animal popping its head out of a

Tugboat Bill wants to move you. He really does. The latest chapter in the shifty movers phone message saga (last chapter ws on January 6th - see the archive) found our intrepid moving with a new name and "new" spokesperson. Best Price Movers is now Athletic Movers, and Janos/Jimmy/Boris/Reggie is now Tugboat Bill. He has also lost any trace of an accent and even appears to be taking lessons in concise diction (not as many "ummmm...s" tonight). I saved it, and will dig for the tape recorder that's buried somewhere in the bunker to tape it. One of these has to be immortalized. It's Day 134 of 2004, according to the TTC transfer. A busy one, as far as 134th days go. Pushed loads of paper of work, with one-page documents flying fast and furious. I keep praying none are lost in the shuffle (there have been close calls, but none would have been earth-shattering). Saw off Andrew (our team's coordinator), who's off to relax in Greece for three

Spring's here, time to get the legs into shape. City-length walk! Started at Yonge and Dundas, to look for a quick bite to eat. Passed on a pamphlet being passed out at the corner, though its name should have led me to give it a glance - Personal Hygiene in Islam . Next time I'm down there, I should take one and see what other works in that series I can come up ( Changing Kitty Litter in Buddhism? Tracing Salmonella in Mormon? Taking Out The Garbage in Shinto? ). Fueled up on shrimp and BBQ pork udon noodles at Lantern (Elm & Yonge), then a quick skim through the newly expanded BMV on Edward. It has taken over the space next door for an increased video section, including lots of public domain cheapies. Passed on those, but did put up some old issues of Mojo and Q, along with a cheap 1959 photography annual for future clipart use. Wandered through the Eaton Centre down to Queen, then headed west. East of Bathurst, my backpack filled up, thanks to cheap 60s Mad m

For the first time in ages, went out to Guelph Friday night to spin some tunes on CFRU. New equipment caused slight technical snafus, but the night went well. Had proof someone was listening - got a phone call from one of my old co-workers who still has a show on the station (good to hear from ya, Big John!). The playlist 11PM Apr 30-1:05AM May 1 The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash Thought this would make a good opener, after seeing Dawn of the Dead. Tear Stained Letter - Richard Thompson In The Cold, Cold Ground - The White Stripes Belleville Rendez-Vous (English) - Ben Charest Desculpe, Baby - Os Mutantes No connection between any of these tunes. Make It Easy On Yourself - Jerry Butler I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself - Tommy Hunt (There's) Always Something There To Remind Me - Lou Johnson Nikki - Burt Bacharach Do You Know The Way To San Jose? - Dionne Warwick A set of Burt Bacharach tunes, including two obscure original versions of well-known son